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Humour |
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You think English is easy?
1) The bandage was wound around the
wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert
in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass
drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
row .
13) They were too close to the door to close
it..
14) The buck does funny things when the does
are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a
sewer line..
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow
to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a
tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series
of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate
friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English
for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of
tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In
what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at
the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.
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Confucius
Says:
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew..
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
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Church Squirrels
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of
Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue Each
church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
consideration they Determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's divine will.
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in
the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on
the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels
escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they
humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most
effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered
them as members of the church. Now they only see them on
Christmas and Easter .
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took
one squirrel and had a short service with him called
circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property
since.
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AESOP's Fable : Ant & Grasshopper
The Ant works hard in the withering heat
all summer building its house and laying up supplies for
the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs
&dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter ,the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
And now.....
the INDIAN Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs &
dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the Ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of
the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in
his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this
be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
--Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the
Ant's house.
--Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other
Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to
warmer climates during winter.
--Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the
Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights
of the Grasshopper.
--The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking
support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and
Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath
of God for non-compliance)
--Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat
Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial
Enquiry. ---CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law
preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to
bring about equality of poverty among Ants and
Grasshoppers. BJP wants Sonia Gandhi's apology.
--Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on
all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper
Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of
Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect
from the beginning of the winter.
--Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers
in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.
T--he Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's
home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to
the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
--Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
--Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
--CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary Resurgence of the
Downtrodden'.
--Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN
General Assembly.
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a
multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley ..
Grasshoppers still die of starvation in India ....
As a result of loosing a lot of hard working Ants and
feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing
country!!!
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HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT
CITIES OF INDIA
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a
fourth and they start arguing about who's right. You are
in Kolkata
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees
them and walks on. That's "Amchi
Mumbai"...busy place dude...
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries
to make peace.. The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy
comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall. That's
Ahmedabad .
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a
software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't
stop b'cos of a bug in the program. That's
Bangalore .
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A Guy
comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't Like all
this nonsense. Peace comes in. That's
Chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call
their friends on their mobiles Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are DEFINITELY IN PUNJAB !!!
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton
of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each
other and all go home as friends. You are in
Goa .
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes and resolve their
fight with the help of others passing over their.
You are in the Heart of India ( M.P).
Scenario 10
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house.
And says" aamchya
gharasamor bhandu naka, dusarikade jaun bhanda ( dont
fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep
fighting)". That's Pune for
sure!!!
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Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?
Sardar's letter to Bill Gates...
Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab
to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found
some problems,which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop'
button. We request you
to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends
clicked 'run' he
ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to
'sit', so that we
can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in
system? I find only
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly.
My wife lost the
door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this '
find' button, but was
unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn
'Microsoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there
is only one icon
which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the
remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but
there is not even a
single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in
that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME'
since I use the
PC at home only.
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will
provide 'My Past
Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please
do not provide 'My
Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I
go after my office
hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one to Mr Bill Gates:
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling
WINDOWS?
Thanks & Regards,
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This is a collection of leave
letters and applications written
by people in various places of
India ...
1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave
as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along
with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony
of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head,
please leave me for two days.."
3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee
who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's
leave.."
4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock
and I may not return, please grant me half day casual
leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day
holiday."
7.
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from
headache. I request you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the
day."
9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my
below..."
11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only
husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same
well."
13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a '
Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am
both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both
with good experience, I am applying for the post. |
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Girlfriend
5.0 to W i fe 1.0
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to
Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began
unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0,
BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem
to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0
, but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people
complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife
1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed
by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to
return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0
Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on
improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application
"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give
the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1..5
and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you
use these programs. Improper use will cause the system
to launch the
program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend
Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING
:
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
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For the Brave Hearts
After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter
asked me for my driver's' license to verify my age. I looked
in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said 'Unbutton your
shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I
got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants... You might have gotten disability, too. |
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Saturday, 13. February 2010 09:55:14 AM +0530 |
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